I am conflicted. I am torn. I am selfish. I am lustful. I am weak. I am at large regretful, yet at times I am satisfied.
I am human.
I come from a family of people who want what they can’t have, who don’t know how to communicate their feelings well, who don’t strive in the right ways. I am a person who looks into the past often, who lives in the now, and doesn’t see far into the future. I am unfocused. I am not secure. I am hunting, searching, for a good place, at least in my mind. Nobody sees the inside of his scattered mind.
Breathless from crying, she uttered “I’m happy for him, but I’m sad for me…”
My mother recently lost a very close friend of hers. It was an eye-opener to me, her, and many others, as are all unexpected deaths. Life can be taken in an instant. Most people try to live each day without mishap, for one wrong move could be the last. Since this event occurred, I have pondered what I would write and couldn’t wrap my head around the words I wanted to say. I know that my mom poured emotion, and I sat helpless because I didn’t know what to say. She spoke about how often he had stated that he wasn’t meant for this world and that he couldn’t wait to go home (to Heaven). She said that she is happy for him that he is home now with his mother, who he loved dearly, but that she is sad for herself because now she has to live without him. Growing up there are life lessons on how to be responsible, how to tie shoe laces, how to stand up for ourselves. However, there are no lessons on how to deal with loss and all the emotions that come along with it.