Two years ago, in July 2014, we lost my father-in-law to liver cancer. This year, in June 2016, we lost my mother-in-law to breast cancer. When Jimmy passed away, we also lost our home. My husband had lived there for his entire life, as it was built in part for him by his father, aunt, and uncle. When Jimmy passed, my husband’s aunt and uncle basically kicked us out and we had to find a new home. The house was then sold to a family and we haven’t been back there since.
Last night I had a dream that we went over to that house, and Susan and Jimmy were inside sitting in their chairs, like they had always done. I was so happy to see them, we sat and talked to her and Jimmy. Looking around, there had been changes to the house, of course, but it was all Jimmy and Susan’s belongings, like they had never left. It was so comforting and I soaked in the sights and went outside and soaked in the air around me. It was home. Susan sat inside watching her shows (soap operas) because it was that time of day and Jimmy went outside and tinkered around his shed doing this and that, like he usually did. I began thinking about the family that had bought the house and asked Susan about it, and asked where they were. She stated that they had ripped up the papers and decided not to move in. I realized that we could move back in, if it was okay with Jimmy and Susan, and we could all be a family again. It would be like it used to be.
Then later on, I remembered both Susan and Jimmy’s passing in the hospitals, and the heartbreak of loss struck me again. As humans, I don’t think we ever stop dreaming of that day when we can see those we have lost and talk to them. I don’t think we ever stop dreaming of going back to the way life used to be, a better life with smiles and laughter. A sense of freedom and the sense that anything can be fixed. As humans we are full of hope, but at the same time full of heartbreak.
I’m constantly haunted by past lives that I’ve lived. Each stage of my life has seemed so different from one another. I am haunted by a life of freedom as a child. I am haunted by a life of newfound love that has long since passed. I am haunted by a life of bliss, fulfillment, and unlimited potential knowledge. In my current life of dispair, lost hope, and dread, I crave these past lives, or at least glimpses of them.
Lonely is an ache like no other.
It’s an ache that resides deep within your soul,
And leaves its path throughout your mind.
Lonely is wanting,
Wanting to do away with solitude.
It’s wanting conversation,
At least someone’s presence.
Lonely is a feeling I can’t shake,
And it’s taking up within.
Why is that we crave what we shouldn’t have?
Crave what we don’t need,
Looking past what is right in front of us?
Why is that we are not satisfied with the good,
And look forward to guilt?
At this moment my mind is a wasteland,
Intended for troubled thoughts and selfish acts.
At this moment I am guilty of wanting more,
Wanting what I don’t need.
An outpour of despire
Meets one glimpse of grace.
All of a sudden the rain stops,
But the eyes pick up the slack.
Emotions aren’t steady,
Mind weak from the challenge.
Will surely never cease.
The smile is bittersweet,
This life is bittersweet.